"Be careful if you think you stand. You just might be sinking."
Both came back to me, dumbfounded.
Today, I wished someone had sent me that same sms. I thought I was doing ok, I thought I was doing just fine. I was falling so fast I didn't realise I was falling.
Pastor Andy's message today saved my life. Again, God have spoken directly to me.
And so, I was sitting in my seat, my heels killing me for I have been standing since 9 a.m. And I looked front at him, just as he asked the church,
"Where is your faith?"
There is no need for me to share the entire message. But I was dumbfounded. And as he continued to share, the Holy Spirit continues to minister to me.
My life for the past one week flashed before me.
I haven't gone down to Campus Revo for one week.
At first, I wanted to learn to let go. My juniors need to know that I won't always be there for them. And I need to accept the fact I am no longer leading them.
Then, I was so tired. I slept at 4 a.m. but every morning I managed to wake up before 7.30 a.m. But I still decided to not come down. Because to me, it was an extra 30 minutes of studying. So that somewhere in the middle of the day, I can say I can relax for another 30 minutes because I've had my 30 minutes this morning.
And I made a very poor decision on Wednesday. I came for CF. Yes. But I was terribly late. Simply because I decided to have dinner with my classmates. Willy looked at me when they discussed the time. When he heard me saying "It's okay", he nodded in agreement. Sometimes, I wished he would simply throw something at me or scream at me or... I don't know. Slap me or something. It was a poor decision indeed.
I didn't serve in Homes this week. I couldn't fit in 'practicing worship songs' into my schedule. I made an excuse -- class.
I knew something was wrong. I felt something was wrong. And it affected my daily lives. I acted differently. I behaved differently. I talked differently. My friends saw that. And everyone said the same thing,
"What's the problem?"
And I would go,
"What is the problem?"
And they'd frown and go,
"You look different."
And I either shrugged it off or cover it with a laugh.
But today, when Deeban (Deeban of all people) asked me the same exact question, I got freaked out. Even Deeban noticed. Then something is terribly wrong with me.
I was empty.
So I decided to start fresh.
Yvonne (my mentor :D) told me that if I get tired, I should surround myself with Christians. Because sleeping on it won't do me any good. Instead, I should go down for Campus Revo and receive from the Lord. The more I don't feel like it, the more I should do it.
Yvonne can be very harsh sometimes. But she always knows best. As she spoke to me, she spoke with an air of confidence and truth that I knew I needed to do something for myself.
Nothing was wrong with my life. But everything was wrong with my attitude.
I have revolved my life around my studies and neglected my priorities. Studies are important but in the beginning, I studied to give glory unto the Lord.
I thought I should maximized my time so that I can study most of the time.
I forgot to put God-factor in my studies. I forgot to let go and let God to simply come into my life and let Him take over. I FORGOT.
I didn't post this to brag about being a whole new person. No. I'm not a new person. It's just that I finally had someone slapping me right in my face. Pastor Andy, Yvonne, and not to mention, Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. I was slapped 5 times this morning indeed. Seriously.
I've also been neglecting the people around me. I haven't call my mom in like 5 days. I haven't talk to my brother for weeks. I haven't sms-ed Heath for like weeks.
And this afternoon when Willy told me Jacinta's mom have been admitted into the hospital and needs physiotherapy, I almost cried. I DIDN'T KNOW.
How could I neglected my juniors? I told God specifically to send them to me so I could take care of His children and I didn't even noticed that I was ignoring them. I got too busy for my own good.
I need to come down for Campus Revo.
I need to start caring again.
I need to pay more attention to those around me.
I need to stop using 'study' and 'tired' as an excuse.
I need to stop thinking that God needs to give me some time off.
I need to stop forgetting that God is in my life.
I need to let Him take control sometimes.
I need to stop thinking that I am ok. Because I'm not.
Labels: walking in the clouds
